By the Author / Source: abuaram.site
Two nights have passed since the last time I took my psychiatric medication—roughly the night before last. The feeling that washes over me right now isn’t merely pleasant; it is euphoric. It is said that withdrawal symptoms can occur and pose a danger to some, but I, on the contrary, am enjoying my overall state of mind. Still, it is jarring that I might not sleep tonight; I don’t know when I will sleep, or if I will even sleep at all. Yet, I am determined to push forward, confident that this is temporary and that my mind will recover on its own. Right now, I am experiencing hyperactive schizotypal symptoms. The urge to speak is overwhelming—I can barely remain silent. I might talk to myself if I find no one else to converse with. However, the alcohol I am drinking calms these feelings and is enough to grant me a peaceful sleep without needing medication. It doesn’t matter if I sleep now—I will eventually—knowing that these symptoms surface quickly in my case. They don’t take days or weeks to appear; they emerged within these past two days, but they will become more pronounced, perhaps in the coming days. Still, I know this is solely due to the medications, and that I simply need time to flush them out.
I do not know if this experience will mirror my past ones. The medications I am currently on are new, not the old ones I stopped taking before. Perhaps I will succeed, and nothing dangerous will happen. Perhaps stopping these medications is safer than before. I don’t have the energy for anything that requires focus; I cannot even entertain the thought of starting work. Perhaps I am in psychological and emotional distress, so I shouldn’t be thinking about work anyway.
In any case, nothing in this world will convince me to take a single pill of this medication just to sleep. I must not end up back in the asylum, locked in solitary confinement and mistreated to force me into taking new meds—which would naturally be far worse. Or they might subject me to electric shocks if I disobey. If I receive those shocks, they will leave a damaging impact on me for years to come. They will turn me into someone else; I might even become a fool because of them. That is what happens in there. It happened to me once when I was hospitalized and refused my medication. The doctor told me bluntly, “If you don’t want the medication, prepare yourself for electric shocks!”
Yet, I believe I can see this through and stay in control this time; everything will be alright. I want to continue my life without medications—I was never truly healthy with them or without them. The difference is that on meds, I might be stable, quiet, and sleeping; I had a form of stability, but there is no total cure. It simply makes you sick in a different way, nothing more.
I want my freedom to reclaim my mind and the soul granted to me, for I know it is good and wonderful. Starting from these two days, I am pressing forward!
