By the Author / Source: abuaram.site
A few days ago, I hurt the feelings of my Moroccan friend via Messenger, someone with whom I had built a friendship that lasted for over a year. I conveyed my apology to her, but she ended up blocking me across all my accounts. She posts photos constantly, and I had grown tired of them; I was in a state of drunkenness when I hurt her feelings regarding her appearance.
I am a kind-hearted and affectionate person at core, and I do not enjoy hurting others’ feelings. However, due to the schizophrenia of mind, soul, and self that I suffer from, combined with excessive alcohol consumption, I end up hurting people unconsciously whenever I am upset and in a bad state. I have hurt the feelings of dozens of women from the Arab world and across the globe online. I used to have an old Lebanese friend who belonged to Freemasonry; we used to conjure spirits and stars over Messenger. She might have been a Mossad agent sent specifically to me. In the end, I hurt her feelings as well, and our relationship came to an end.
For those who doubt the existence of the spiritual realm: regardless of the real-life sessions I have had with fortune-tellers and clairvoyants, I have also undergone online conjuring sessions for spirits and stars—experiencing a mutual, sensory connection with others. All of these experiences are strictly confidential, proving that this is not merely a personal experience or unreal delusions stemming from someone known to suffer from a psychological and mental disorder.
In fact, on one occasion, an Israeli soldier and a Jewish settler reached out to me online through video calls. They appeared with me and shared private, personal information that only I knew, along with certain vague and unclear matters.
Returning to the topic of hurting women, I have many beautiful female friends, and I make an effort to be polite with them and maintain our friendship. However, I find it difficult to deal with those I perceive as not beautiful. It seems that I am someone who ruins relationships at their end; in reality, I have no friends in the real world, as I severed ties with those who were previously my friends due to the trouble I caused.
I suffer from a psychiatric illness and a mental disorder, and dark thoughts dominate my mind. I do not know how to love genuinely, even though I love from my heart. Sometimes my mind tells me that I do not love, even though I actually do. For instance, I love my wife deeply in my heart and soul, but my sick mind occasionally sabotages our love, leading to disputes between us.
During my adolescence, I hurt my sister regarding her physical appearance—a wound that has not healed in my heart to this day. My sister resembles African women; although my father is fair-skinned with blonde hair, my mother and her father are dark-skinned, which means my sister inherited more genetic traits from my mother’s side. I used to hurt her when I was a troubled adolescent, unaware of my actions, and that behavior pained me deeply, worsening my subconscious state. I no longer wish to hurt anyone’s feelings; I despise such behavior. It is a terrible thing to hurt a human being’s feelings, especially those you love.
I used to aspire to find a real-life female friend who was an atheist, possessed striking beauty in my imagination, smoked women’s cigarettes, and tied her hair back. I wanted us to love each other, spend enjoyable times together, drink alcohol in my company, and be free from any constraints. However, I have never met a friend with these specifications in my life.
During my adolescence, prior to my marriage, I met a few girls who would give me kisses and hugs, and show me provocative parts of their bodies. They did not engage in intercourse with me—that was forbidden because they were Muslim—but they were compassionate toward my sexual desires and my fascination with girls during that period. I was a handsome teenager, and girls liked me; I remain handsome to this day in my thirties.
Ultimately, I feel extremely exhausted these days. I do not know what happened; I entered a state of shock after resorting to physical violence against my son, Aram, and my symptoms of schizophrenia and bipolar mania have escalated significantly. I have been taking my psychiatric medications regularly for the past two and a half months, so is this what was supposed to happen to me? I feel a negative energy filling my chest at home, and I feel distressed and out of my mind.
I feel an urge to walk on foot to the border of my town with Israel, which is a long distance, and sit there. The Israeli area of Beit Shemesh is located nearby, containing a settlement of ultra-Orthodox religious Jews. Border Guard patrols rarely pass through that area. I felt a sense of resentment toward home and a negative energy concentrated on my chest, alongside a state of nervousness, delirium, schizophrenia, hallucinations, and hysteria, which is why I feel like heading there.
I might get killed there, or perhaps peacefully arrested, or nothing might happen if I remain calm in front of the surveillance cameras. Intelligence officers there might contact them! Furthermore, coinciding with the Muslim month of Ramadan, I feel the urge to drink alcohol and smoke, and I cannot step outside without doing so.
I caused a major disturbance at home and in my neighborhood, acting unusually under the influence of alcohol—screaming and talking to myself because I was upset and in a bad state. I apologize for the immoral video I posted a few days ago, where I was wearing underwear and failed to notice it was a clip, which inadvertently revealed the lower part of my private area! I was unaware of it, and even Facebook itself did not notice!
I apologize to everyone I have offended unconsciously, and I hope Facebook removes the one-year ban imposed on my personal page, which currently prevents my page from being recommended. I have been alone at home for a week, and I miss my wife, long for her body, and wish to embrace her, kiss her, and be intimate with her. I miss my children as well.
