By the Author / Source: abuaram.site
These days, I recall my suicide attempt that took place several years ago. It was my first attempt, even though suicidal thoughts had crossed my mind at many points in my life. Nevertheless, that was the only time I actually went through with it.
On the day I attempted suicide, I had been off my psychiatric medication for a while. I was suffering from chronic schizophrenia at the time, and my mental state was severely deteriorating; numerous voices were whispering to me, both around me and within me. I was living in a world completely detached from reality, consumed by overwhelming feelings of deep depression, with advanced symptoms of schizophrenia at their absolute peak.
Back then, my daughter, Angie, was my only child and barely two years old. She and her mother were sleeping past midnight, while I sat alone, awake, suffering and lost in thought. After days of deliberation, the idea of suicide struck me that night.
I found no way to commit suicide except through poison or medication; I lacked the courage to resort to another gruesome method, nor did I possess a firearm to put a bullet through my head on that wretched night. I gathered every available medication in the house and subconsciously began swallowing pill after pill—psychiatric drugs, stimulants, painkillers, and fever reducers. I believe I far exceeded the prescribed doses at the time.
When I finished taking the pills, I sat on the couch and was gripped by profound fear, feeling as though I was about to lose consciousness or die. Shocked by what I had just ingested, voices of weeping and reproach suddenly echoed in my head and around me, as if blaming me for what I had done. My wife and daughter were still asleep. After some time passed, severe nausea took over, followed by vomiting and intense diarrhea. I felt as if I were slipping into another world; my perception was warped to the point where my breathing felt like a vast, giant corridor.
When my wife woke up and I told her what I had done, she panicked and broke down in tears, shocked. She wanted to call emergency services to take me to the hospital, but I refused and told her that nothing had happened. In reality, hours of nausea, vomiting, and severe diarrhea passed, but I never lost consciousness. Fortunately, the attempt failed, and I survived without any lasting physical complications.
I feel deep regret for what I did that night, and it saddens me to have reached such a low point in my life. Truthfully, suicide was never my genuine desire; it was the result of severe illness and the complete absence of normal consciousness. I committed that act while suffering from acute schizophrenia and severe depression. For a while after that attempt, the phantom of death haunted me; voices from another world crept into my mind, scolding and holding me accountable for my grave mistake against myself. I am truly remorseful, and to my deepest regret, I never want to attempt suicide again.
It is tragic that I stop taking my medications at certain stages of my life; stopping allows the illness to return and pull me back into a dark, terrible abyss—one extremely dangerous to my mental and psychological health. Currently, after about a month and a half of consistently taking my medication, I realized I held misconceptions about it. I feel infinitely better when I am on my treatment.
When I stop taking my medication, my condition worsens severely; my mind and soul endure continuous torment. My mind becomes deeply unwell and exhausted, and my mood and mental state plummet. My ability to use sound cognitive functions and perceive reality with clarity becomes impaired. Therefore, it is profoundly unfair to leave my mind and psyche untreated. Furthermore, if I stay off medication for too long, I might unconsciously hurt myself through suicide, harm myself in other ways, or perhaps bring harm to those around me.
It is tragic to let my mind drift away with the illness. Medication is not bad for someone like me who suffers from a chronic mental condition without it. Right now, I feel my mind is in a much better place. I have begun returning to reality and work; my mind is functioning normally—even better than before. I can think clearly and organize my affairs with greater logic and intellect. The fear, intrusive thoughts, and anxious feelings have subsided, and my overall mood is good; I barely feel that agonizing depression. This proves that my mental state degrades and loses all these positive aspects whenever I abandon my medication.
To those who feel resentment toward taking medication despite needing it, I want to say that you are mistaken and may hold flawed beliefs about psychiatric drugs—though not all medications are equally beneficial. Even those suffering from depression alone need medication; depression is cruel and deeply painful to the soul and mind. Imagine, then, the state of someone dealing with a chronic mental condition like severe schizophrenia, where living without treatment is simply impossible.
Medication may not be a magic cure, but it plays a massive role in your recovery, enabling you to pursue full healing far more effectively if that is your goal. Most importantly, it spares you from suffering terrible, dangerous psychological and mental symptoms that could blindly lead you to suicide or losing your life—something you do not truly want. Remember that your condition after quitting medication will be much worse, so do not assume you will be better off without it; the medication is not as bad as you think. My three medications are effective, and thanks to them, my mind is blessed with stability once again.
