Man who grew up poor resents his daughter for marrying a rich man: ‘He feels like I don’t know the value of money bc I never worked hard for it. He also thinks I don’t deserve to enjoy things I can afford now’

It’s less about convincing your dad that you worked hard and more about accepting that you don’t have to work hard to enjoy what you have

This story is paradoxical. This father worked really hard to pull himself out of poverty and to give his children a life where they wouldn’t have to fight so hard to be okay. Now he resents his children precisely because they didn’t have to struggle so much as he did.

Although it sounds nonsensical, it’s very common. Understandably, someone who spent his whole life fighting for money resents that his daughter doesn’t even see money as hard to get. Of course, his daughter gets to live like this because of his merit, but I understand it makes him sad to think about all the times he struggled for something others deem so ordinary.

I believe the hurt this father feels is misdirected at his daughter; obviously, it is something he has to work through on his own. His daughter is not to blame.

Why does it matter so much if her father recognizes that she has grip as well? Obviously, she wants to be seen and appreciated by him, because the problem that they have isn’t financial, it is emotional, and it’s about inequality and opportunities in life.

The father’s identity seems heavily organized around overcoming; he overcame poverty, and he achieved wealth. Sadly, there is no moral failure in being given something, which should not pass down guilt around privileges, so that’s something his daughter will have to work through.

The most interesting question for me is whether she’ll be able to tolerate the fact that her father might never give her the recognition she wants. To do that, he would have to let go of his identity, and that’s too high a price. Growing up, in part, is learning that you can live without that recognition.