By the Author / Source: abuaram.site
Throughout my life, I have been peaceful and wise—avoiding harm and trouble, understanding my limits, and remaining fully conscious of the consequences of any mistake I might make. I have spared myself a great deal of trouble and conflict with others, often reining in their provocations so that everything would pass in peace. In reality, however, I am extremely dangerous when provoked, and intelligent enough to know how to skillfully outmaneuver others.
I possess a personality structure marked by schizotypal vengeance, feeling an intense inner violence while living in a world conditioned by various fears. I trained myself to be an extremely fearful person—to the point where I became far less afraid of many things. Fear does not disappear entirely, of course, but I have learned to coexist with it, let it play its part, and adapt to it to a degree that allows me to largely transcend it.
My current fear manifests as a dormant internal monster that appears independently, as if my subconscious mind forces an irrational sense of fear upon me. Even though I do not find this fear-inducing at a conscious level, I respond to it involuntarily, triggering a state of fear conditioning.
My fear of people stems from something different: it is not a fear that they will harm me, but rather that my weakness and fear will become blatantly obvious to them. I try to suppress my internal fear from showing. At its core, I am afraid for myself—that someone might exploit my apparent vulnerability and fear, or that my actions might invite them to hurt me. In truth, I am afraid of being forced to harm them; I am not afraid of their mistreatment, as I am fully prepared to face it.
I am highly sensitive and emotional, as well as easily provoked; a single insulting gesture or word can be enough to turn a situation catastrophic. I carry aspects of psychological and neurological conditions, along with a predisposition toward a volatile and dangerous personality. I combine several personas at once—some may lie dormant and forgotten, only to surface suddenly in a brief flash. There are many dimensions to my character that no one knows about, and no one would ever expect from me.
Despite my internal struggles and various mental disruptions, an intelligent and wise core remains—one characterized by good judgment and a consistent ability to choose the right path. I possess a sharp intellect when it comes to navigating my psychological and mental state, as well as the external world, enabling me to survive even in the darkest circumstances.
I have often come close to committing harmful acts against those who hurt my feelings, and I have frequently found myself drawn into dangerous altercations due to provocation and insults. Yet, I have always managed to contain the situation and emerge with minimal losses and a peaceful outcome with these toxic individuals. I have too much to lose; that is why I consistently avoid escalation and come out ahead, regardless of the nature of those situations. No one is worth risking something precious in my life for, nor exposing myself to suffering such as imprisonment.
I am someone who knows how to defend myself, and I do not always view stepping down as wisdom. Sometimes, circumstances require me to be defensive and protective. For instance, I was once robbed by a group of young men who used pepper spray against me; I knocked them all to the ground, beat them thoroughly, turned their own spray against them, and managed to escape.
Regardless of the pathological side I experience, the complex diagnostic classifications in psychology, or even my struggle with chronic schizophrenia without medication alongside a mix of various psychiatric symptoms, I refuse to be defined solely by this illness. I possess a natural, conscious human side—as if the illness were merely a malignant parasite invading a healthy mind. My mind is inherently sound, perhaps even superior to that of a healthy person, but I was destined to wage a war against a strange condition ravaging an otherwise healthy brain.
In any case, I hope to always protect myself and my loved ones from all the evils of this world, and that all harm stays far away from me. I am full of experiences and want no more bad encounters with this world. I wish to continue living a happy, enjoyable, and peaceful life until my final day. I wish continuous well-being and prevailing peace for my family, that everything turns out well in the future, and that my share of happiness and enjoyment in this life grows ever greater.
