By the Author / Source: abuaram.site
Starting today, I have returned to taking my medications at full dosage. I am no longer settling for small preventive doses; I have begun taking a large dose in the morning and another in the evening. The dosage I am taking is insufficient to treat my psychiatric and mental state. My behavior has become erratic and reckless. My condition worsened with alcohol consumption, which began to affect me negatively. I have been drinking alcohol all my life and used to act normally—I never leaned toward anything dangerous.
Yesterday, I was dancing in front of a barrage of Israeli military cameras near a military watchtower manned by numerous soldiers. Those soldiers are capable of sniping me with lethal bullets from a distance, and they can pursue me in armored vehicles equipped with automatic machine guns. At any moment, they could end my life. And that is precisely what nearly happened. After I had walked a fair distance away, I was surprised by an IDF military patrol consisting of three vehicles. They approached me from a side road and blocked my path. I wondered if they had come for me, but they merely circled around me at the intersection, looked at me, and then immediately returned to the Israeli bypass road—Route 60—where they had come from.
Yesterday, I was spotted by IDF cameras equipped with artificial intelligence technology and perhaps unknown capabilities for profiling people. I know these cameras are extremely smart. Some passersby on the street noticed my dangerous behavior toward the Israeli army, and some of them told me, “They will kill you right now!”
This is a glimpse into my past behavior. Whenever I suffered a nervous breakdown and hit a severe mental and psychological low—akin to a schizophrenic episode—I would resort to cat-and-mouse games with the army. I used to storm checkpoints, lie down in front of them, and open beer bottles. They would lock me up, leave me there, and try to beat me. Several times, I was detained for the entire day. My mugshots were taken like a criminal, I signed numerous documents, and I even got a police record. That was a long time ago. Years had passed without me repeating those actions. Yesterday, for the first time after many years of calm, I repeated the exact same cycle. This pattern I went through—these cycles in my life—has left me with a sense of guilt toward myself and what I have done to my life.
Quite simply, my soul could depart in a split second, and I would never return home or see my wife and children again. How painful and harsh a fate that is. I would die there, a lifeless corpse in the street, as a result of insane, unconscious acts, while my children would keep asking about me for a long time: “Where did he go?” The IDF is known for killing innocent people in numerous incidents—people who had nothing to do with anything and committed no wrong. They also kill Palestinians out of unknown motives, so perhaps they will kill me, too. That would be a tragic loss. Taking an innocent life and letting it go to waste for no fault is forbidden. Those who know they are walking toward death and choose to do so—that is understandable, for they chose it themselves. But I, and many others like me, did not choose to be killed.
As for returning to my medications, I have no escape. My condition is very bad and requires a complete, effective pharmaceutical treatment regimen. I have already begun adding an antidepressant alongside a mood stabilizer and an antipsychotic. With the onset of winter, I suffer from a form of depression on top of the acute schizophrenia controlling my mind. Damn all the side effects of these cursed medications! But I am a human being who needs medicine. I don’t even know if my mind was sound to begin with, or if it has been corrupted by these drugs. Stopping these cursed medications would take me on a long, crazy, harsh, exhausting, and unbearable journey. I won’t be able to endure it or remain stable. I will most likely end up hurting myself in the end, unable to maintain stability for long. I might end up back in that terrible, wretched psychiatric hospital that I hate, suffering there while they prescribe me bad medications unsuited for my condition.
