By the Author / Source: abuaram.site
I have always committed dangerous, unconventional acts that defied societal norms. I would venture close to danger zones, military areas, and weapons, showcasing my manic, theatrical persona just a whisper away from a bullet to the head, physical violence, or being thrown into prison.
I was not in a normal state of mind during those times and events; I was suffering from manic episodes, severe delirium, and derealization symptoms coupled with schizophrenia. I never felt that I would get hurt; I was simply relishing my moments of grand madness, living entirely in my own world. The voices in my head would constantly echo, telling me to stop these actions and go back home. They would always tell me: “They will kill you, they are evil.”
Those spirits are not human, yet they know humans all too well. I have endured so much harm from these humans that I have now become safer and more clinging to my medication, fearing that my soul might plunge back into the abyss on its own.
I do not trust myself or my mind enough to let them fall ill again. I realize that if I ever feel distressed, sick, or unable to remain grounded and stable, I might return to committing acts even worse than before.
One thing I know for certain is that those spirits accompanying me through the ordeal of illness and danger are not human. Another thing is that I used to live in a fantasy of protection, expecting to remain unharmed—yet I was deeply hurt, in a truly terrible and hideous way. Even by those who knew I was a man suffering from an illness, they did not hesitate to inflict horrific harm upon me either.
Furthermore, when I fall under the weight of illness or similar pressures, I become an imminent danger to myself and to those who mistreat me, for there is no room for mercy or fear in my heart then. Likewise, if I ever stop my treatment, there is no guarantee that I will not return to committing acts far worse than the past.
