By the Author / Source: abuaram.site
Recently, I have found myself blaming myself the day after heavy drinking, as I realize that my actions under the influence are becoming dangerously alarming. Although I mostly view my behavior as reasonable and largely harmless, it carries the potential to escalate into severe risks and disasters. No one around me realizes that I am simply a human being under the influence of alcohol, regularly taking psychiatric medication, and already battling underlying mental and psychological illnesses.
First and foremost, I do not want to harm myself. I never harm anyone, even at the peak of my drunkenness. However, I tend to attract trouble. A situation can easily turn disastrous simply because people in my society realize I am drunk. In their eyes, being drunk is an offense in itself—a convenient excuse to pin trouble on me, even if I have done nothing wrong.
I try my best to remain under the radar and conceal my intoxication from others. I never carry an obvious alcohol bottle; instead, I keep it hidden in my bag and pour it into an opaque, non-transparent flask—resembling a water bottle or a hot drink container—so no one suspects its contents. I also refrain from drinking in front of people, preferring to drink only when I am alone to ensure my habit remains hidden.
In truth, when I drink moderately outdoors, I become a normal person enjoying the atmosphere. All my pathological symptoms—the anxiety, fear, and social phobia—completely melt away. I feel absolute comfort and pure enjoyment during my outings, all while retaining full control of my mind and taking care not to act improperly or cause myself harm. However, when I drink to excess, I begin to lose control, acting in ways I never intended and feeling deep regret the following day.
I have faced countless problems in my life due to drinking outdoors—issues that have piled up over time. As I know it, this is a backward Palestinian society; even if I commit no wrongdoing, my ultimate “crime” is simply being drunk. Time and again, I have found myself in police stations where officers would pour all my alcohol down the toilet and inflict emotional abuse on me simply for being intoxicated. The same applies to conflicts with ordinary members of the community.
As someone suffering from psychological and mental conditions, you cannot simply ask me to go out for a fun time with friends without alcohol. I do not know how to enjoy being outside without it; I feel nothing, and the oppressive weight of my illness stays with me. If you want me to be social, engaging, and genuinely enjoying myself, alcohol is an absolute necessity on a pleasant outing that leaves a positive memory.
To me, alcohol is a pleasure, a medicine, and an escape from the grip of my illness. It combines so many good things for me: it offers pleasure without illness, and acts as a remedy when illness is present. It is deeply enjoyable and makes me feel genuinely alive. I cannot even enjoy music without it the way I do when I am drinking. Even in my sexual life, experiencing intimacy sober is nothing like experiencing it with alcohol; the intensity of arousal and euphoria with it is extraordinary, and my immersion in the experience is profoundly captivating.
Drinking at home is entirely different from drinking outdoors; external stimuli create a different impression of intoxication, and emotions outside are far more varied. Drinking alone is also quite distinct from drinking with friends. The core issue lies in overconsumption—a small amount can be both pleasant and safe outdoors.
Now, the Islamic month of Ramadan has arrived, presenting a major challenge. I need to go out about four or five times during this month, and as a heavy smoker, I cannot go out without having a few drinks and smoking some cigarettes. I fear encountering some wretched Muslim looking for an easy target in Ramadan to farm extra good deeds. I might need to adopt different precautions this month, as I cannot simply roam around and feel free without my cigarettes and alcohol.
In any case, I need to regulate my outdoor drinking habits strictly by quantity—keeping it minimal—to ensure I do not drift into dangerous behavior that harms me or brings me trouble. I want to avoid feeling that overwhelming regret the next day over things I might have done that could compromise me or land me in hot water.
Ultimately, alcohol is a great blessing in the lives of those who understand it and appreciate the spiritual elevation it bestows. It is a wonderful medium for enjoyment as well as a means to lose one’s mind, and when used within safe boundaries, it allows one to enjoy life without incurring trouble from any side.
