By the Author / Source: abuaram.site
Yesterday, for the first time in two years, I felt like I was losing control over myself. Usually, I can drink alcohol in public while maintaining my alertness despite its effects. Yesterday, however, I began to exhibit psychotic symptoms associated with intoxication; I started walking unsteadily, laughing, and talking to myself. Whenever I encountered someone suitable, I would initiate a conversation on appropriate topics to engage with them.
I have been adhering to a systematic medication regimen for about a month and a half now. I am taking three medications tailored to my condition: an antipsychotic, a mood stabilizer, and an antidepressant. I primarily suffer from prominent symptoms of schizophrenia; essentially, every aspect of my condition falls under schizophrenia spectrum disorders, despite occasionally presenting symptoms similar to bipolar disorder. Additionally, I suffer from social anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), depression, and hypersexuality.
Social anxiety dictates and restricts the nature of my life. It has constructed a private world for me within the real world. I am constrained by its symptoms, and I have shaped my reality accordingly. I experience intense dread at the prospect of meeting others or attending social gatherings. I feel an extreme, irrational fear of people, making it impossible for me to function socially while experiencing these symptoms.
I am even unable to hold any job that requires social interaction. Regardless of the workload or the focus it demands, I face constant psychological pressure around others—enduring intense mental torment and never feeling at ease. I can never be productive under such pressure, nor can I focus properly. It has been 13 years since I last worked in the physical world—a world that demands social integration.
As for my OCD, it manifests as hyper-vigilance regarding potential dangers, compulsively checking my belongings before leaving the house, and continuously verifying them while outside due to the fear of loss or theft. It also expresses itself as an urgent impulse to urinate repeatedly before going out; under stress, I feel the urge to urinate frequently. Furthermore, during normal emotional responses, it sometimes manifests as a physical sensation in my nose or recurrent coughing, along with impulses to engage in compulsive behaviors.
Regarding the depression I experience outside the scope of treatment, it impairs my sexual functionality; I experience a loss of libido and erectile dysfunction. I also endure severe, distressing episodes of anguish, gloom, chronic loss of appetite, and an overarching sense of melancholy, which leads to an inability to enjoy anything or work at all.
On the other hand, regarding my hypersexuality, I sometimes feel an urge to harass women. I am drawn to all beautiful women and desire intense intimacy with them. My wife alone is not enough for me; I want to experience more beautiful women. I have specific sexual desires, such as the desire to perform oral sex on my wife’s buttocks (I am deeply attracted to them), continuously lick her intimate area, suck her breasts, and explore every sexual position with her. Having sex once a day is not enough; I desire to have sex multiple times daily. I may even feel anxious sleeping without engaging in sexual activity during the day.
I am fully aware of the severity of harassing women, and my personal values, morals, and principles prevent me from doing so without their consent. I might attempt to approach a woman, but if she declines and I realize she is uninterested, I completely cease my attempts and do not pursue her further. Conversely, if I sense interest and an attempt at seduction from a woman, I engage fully. Nevertheless, I am occasionally plagued by obsessive thoughts about harassing any beautiful woman I cross paths with or who sits beside me, yet I abstain out of fear of the consequences and risks involved.
Regarding schizophrenia—my primary condition—every diagnostic symptom associated with this illness used to manifest and continues to appear when I am off medication. Every core symptom defining this disorder is clearly evident in my case. The moment I stop taking my medication, I gravitate deeper into the illness. I do not believe these symptoms will subside in a short, defined period; rather, I believe they persist, worsen, and drive me toward danger. Overall, these symptoms are intolerable from every angle and impossible to live with.
Returning to yesterday: nearly two years had passed during which I drank alcohol in streets and markets safely, ensuring no one noticed I was intoxicated to avoid trouble in my underdeveloped Palestinian society. I have faced numerous problems in my life due to public drinking, and my mind learned to avoid it.
Despite adhering regularly to my psychiatric medications, I drank excessively yesterday, which triggered hysterical behavior. I was laughing aloud, talking to myself, and struggling to walk normally. In fact, I felt an impulse to walk in the opposite direction and was overcome by a urge to show off and dance in crowded places. I lost all sense of anxiety or pathological fear, exhibiting unusual sociability by initiating conversations with strangers.
Also yesterday, on my way home, the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) had closed most of the entrances to my city, forcing me to disembark in an area containing one of their military posts to reach home. I have old schizophrenic experiences associated with that specific area; years ago, I used to sit near it for hours, getting drunk in front of it. Back then, after weeks of instability in that area, I was arrested by the Palestinian Anti-Narcotics Department and committed to a psychiatric facility for two weeks.
When I reached the military post yesterday while heavily intoxicated, I began to show off and dance in front of it in a manner characteristic of an intoxicated schizophrenic, as if reliving past memories. A female Israeli soldier opened one of the tower windows and stared at me continuously for about ten minutes until I left the area. I flirted with her and blew her kisses from a distance, while she showed no reaction other than continuing to stare at me.
When I woke up this morning, I did not want to reproach myself for what I did yesterday. Normally, I self-criticize for every mistake I make. I am tired of reproaching myself, setting rules, and reminding myself to follow them. I told myself not to feel guilty or care about what happened yesterday. It was the first time I drank so excessively outdoors. I should have only had a small amount outside just to take the edge off, avoid feeling anxious or symptomatic, prevent losing my mind like that, and enjoy my outing after being homebound for a week.
Of course, I cannot enjoy going out without alcohol; I must drink to feel the pleasure of an outing. I am a person coping with psychiatric and mental illnesses, so I cannot experience enjoyment without my bottle of alcohol. I am not dangerous outdoors, regardless of how much I drink, nor do I engage in dangerous acts. However, I may act abnormally in ways that draw attention and might cause issues with others—the behavior of a safe, intoxicated schizophrenic who laughs, talks to himself, and enjoys his time. Just safe, hysterical actions that may be socially unacceptable and bring me trouble.
As for my behavior in front of the IDF military posts: although I am considered a potential enemy to them, and they are known for killing and mistreating Palestinians without cause—which exposes me to potential confrontation, violence, arrest, or shooting—I feel something strange toward them. It seems a deep part of my subconscious manifests the current paradox I hold regarding them: I am not afraid of them; in fact, I expect them to like me and view me as a friend. I have never thought of harming them; rather, I simply feel a desire to have fun around them while intoxicated and dealing with a core psychiatric disorder.
In any case, I must regulate my alcohol consumption outside, avoid overindulgence, and refrain from wandering outdoors for long hours under the influence—shouldn’t I? The effects of drinking alcohol outdoors are entirely different from drinking at home. I am adhering to my treatment, and after this period, I have realized that my medication is beneficial and necessary, and that I do not need to expose myself to harm without it. None of it matters; everything has to turn out fine. I need to give my mind and body a break and indulge them from time to time. Perhaps I even need a little adventure!
