‘I was just sharing my sadness with her about my own break-up and how I wanted to heal/move on, but she flipped it and made it about her and her ex’: 32-year-old Woman Threatens to End Friendship if Friend Goes to a Conference Her Ex Will Be At

Is it a boundary or a form of coercion? I can’t tell!

I believe some people can’t tell the difference between a genuine, heartfelt boundary and an entitled claim. From the outside, it’s very easy to tell when someone shouldn’t listen to what their friends are saying, but from inside a relationship like this, it can get really tricky.

Contrary to what most people believe, it is not necessary to discuss everything and reach agreements. You can change the conversation entirely. You need to have your principles really clear, though.

A friend is allowed to tell you she would feel better if you don’t befriend their ex, but they certainly can’t forbid you from doing it. They are allowed to feel bad about it, just like we are allowed to feel bad about anything we want, but they can’t coerce you into doing anything. Friendships and human relationships in general shouldn’t be about coercion, but about encounters. If we are influencing someone else’s free will, then we’re not having a friendship; we’re having a slave.

In this story in particular, I think the coercive friend is showing their true colors, and the other should take a good look. Her friend is watching her grieve and still chose to say something to keep her away from what makes her feel good. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think she should want to keep someone who behaves like that as a friend.

Do you think I’m overreacting, or should she definitely run for the hills? Is this friend toxic, or is her own grief clouding her judgement? Do you think this too shall pass?