By the Author / Source: abuaram.site
I have fathered three children, and I believe this number is completely sufficient. Yet, I sometimes feel a deep-seated desire to have more—occasionally even entertaining the fantasy of having a larger family with multiple women. I feel this urge toward my wife as well, wanting us to have more children, but she has been using contraception for three years now. Nevertheless, I remain hesitant about the idea. Three children (two boys and a girl) is a good number, especially given the difficulty I face in providing for their living expenses, not to mention that raising them is no easy task; they fill my life entirely.
On another note, it was written for me in this life to be an ill person. In reality, I have a psychiatric disorder and schizophrenia, which prevents me from integrating into any job within the real, social world. Although I love working and earning money, my illness stands as a barrier to achieving that.
Since childhood, I dreamed of working, making a lot of money, owning my own car and home, having a farm, traveling to many countries, and tasting fine alcoholic beverages. However, during my adolescence, I discovered that I struggle to adapt to this world, suffering from a psychological incapacity that prevents me from achieving those ambitions and attaining mental stability.
I could not reconcile with the idea of being psychologically and mentally incapacitated, and I faced an internal pressure that hindered me from continuing to work. Time and again, I tried to work, enduring days and hours in various jobs, only to flee quickly. I now regret exposing myself to that psychological and mental strain, burdening myself beyond my naturally troubled capacity. I am a sick person with social phobia and schizophrenia, and I have no place working among people.
I make good use of my ability to access the internet. Since my teenage years, I have learned a great deal across various online domains. In addition, I have a talent for writing and am an expert in multiple areas of computer science, possessing many skills in this digital world. I do not deny that I am trying to harness my online work to earn money as well; I view this world as a window that might save me in the future, allowing me to generate income and achieve the real-world dreams I failed to realize before.
I am no longer as deeply upset about being a sick person as I was in the past. I possess internal peace and an acceptance that every human being has a specific destiny, and this is mine. I have begun to accept and hold on to what I have. The hope for my old dreams withered a while ago. I take my medications, which keep me stable and calm. Without medication, the reality of my illness is terrible, catastrophic, and completely unlivable. I am a survivor largely because of medication and psychiatric therapy. I cannot live without medication, as it has long integrated into the chemistry of my mind and body, and I do not know what state I would be in had these treatments never entered my system.
To understand the nature of my illness, I must clarify that I possess a conscious, intelligent mind, and a large part of my personality is completely sound, showing no trace of disease. On the other hand, there is a sick side within me that delivers consecutive blows to my psyche and mind. This side could succeed in paralyzing my healthy self and destroying me if I do not receive proper treatment. I feel as though I am two people in one body; I suffer from schizophrenia that requires ongoing treatment, otherwise, my sick side could overpower my healthy side at any moment.
In conclusion, after reflecting on the matter, I have decided to be content with my three children. They are enough to fill my life, and I need to dedicate my time to caring for them and giving them sufficient attention, as increasing their number might make the task even more difficult. Despite the health challenges I face and the difficulty of achieving financial success in the real world, I look forward to succeeding in the future through my online work. I am at peace with my destiny and feel no resentment; rather, I appreciate and cherish what I have achieved and currently possess. I hope the future holds better things for me and that I can realize my deep-seated dreams. I also hold immense love for my family and my wife, and I aspire to maintain our bonds and continue our life journey together in happiness and stability.
