{"id":1198,"date":"2026-09-16T12:35:25","date_gmt":"2026-09-16T12:35:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/dev95.site\/?p=1198"},"modified":"2026-09-16T12:35:37","modified_gmt":"2026-09-16T12:35:37","slug":"in-the-shadow-of-the-knife-years-of-guilt-and-compulsive-obsession-with-revenge-a-demonic-monster-and-an-innocent","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dev95.site\/ar\/in-the-shadow-of-the-knife-years-of-guilt-and-compulsive-obsession-with-revenge-a-demonic-monster-and-an-innocent\/","title":{"rendered":"In the Shadow of the Knife: Years of Guilt and Compulsive Obsession with Revenge \u2014 A Demonic Monster and an Innocent"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"dev95-756843487\" class=\"dev95-- dev95-entity-placement\"><script async=\"async\" data-cfasync=\"false\" src=\"https:\/\/pl27862732.profitableratecpmnetwork.com\/2ad7a50e0bbc23ac6801d7b77c501463\/invoke.js\"><\/script>\r\n<div id=\"container-2ad7a50e0bbc23ac6801d7b77c501463\"><\/div><\/div>\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">By the Author \/ Source: <a href=\"https:\/\/abuaram.site\/\">abuaram.site<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">For many years during my early childhood and adolescence, I suffered from intense remorse and obsessive, compulsive thoughts of guilt. I felt a duty to avenge my mother, who was stabbed before my eyes with a large knife when I was only eight years old. I couldn&#8217;t protect her; instead, I wept helplessly, paralyzed with fear for her life. Nor could I protect myself and my siblings from the many terrible things that kept happening. I lived largely in a state of revenge-driven dissociation and obsessive preparation, plagued by guilt. Driven by fear and suspicion, I began carrying bladed weapons whenever I left the house. One day, the Israeli Defense Forces stopped the public vehicle I was in alongside other passengers, and the knife slipped from my hand onto the floor. Suspicious, they interrogated everyone for a long time to determine who was carrying it. I denied it was mine, and eventually, after a lengthy investigation, they allowed me to return home, assuming there had been a security incident on site.<\/p><div id=\"dev95-3593630871\" class=\"dev95- dev95-entity-placement\"><center>\r\n<script>\r\n  atOptions = {\r\n    'key' : '4ba6b6513c00e0ba76511f798ae56401',\r\n    'format' : 'iframe',\r\n    'height' : 50,\r\n    'width' : 320,\r\n    'params' : {}\r\n  };\r\n<\/script>\r\n<script src=\"https:\/\/www.highrevenueformat.com\/4ba6b6513c00e0ba76511f798ae56401\/invoke.js\"><\/script>\r\n\t<\/center><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">As I grew older and gained greater awareness and understanding, I began to realize that I was a victim\u2014that none of it was my fault. I was everyone\u2019s victim simply because I was a small child. Nothing was my responsibility, and I shouldn&#8217;t have felt guilty for failing to protect my mother and siblings; that was only natural for a child. Yet, I had spent years believing I was somehow to blame, harboring deep guilt, and living through an endless drama played out in my imagination.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I was forced to relinquish many of my hyper-vigilant habits and my tendency to arm myself, coming to accept that the days ahead could be peaceful. I realized I was living inside a self-created narrative of fear and paranoia that bore no resemblance to reality, and that I needed to view the world through a different lens\u2014one where danger was not lurking around every corner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I possess the background profile of a criminal or a serial killer; many criminals and serial killers have led lives that parallel parts of mine. Yet, I was never that sick person walking blindly into the dark. I was conscious, vigilant, and guided by a mentor. I am not a criminal programmed to descend into that darkness. Even though there are sadistic facets tied to my condition, and I have endured countless turbulent situations throughout my life, my humane and conscious self has consistently refrained from committing evil or harming others. It has always maintained control, keeping me essentially innocent, peaceful, deeply humane, and acutely aware.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">There is a monster within\u2014a deeply dark entity that feels like the dominion of Satan himself, perhaps Iblis, because the evil there feels distinct and known. A genuine monster resides inside me: brutal, malevolent, sick, and extraordinarily dangerous. I often struggle to discern where it ends and where I begin. I could barely grasp my true self, which I always knew to be innocent and quiet, torn between who I am and who this monster is. I believe I was not born with a blank slate, but with an ancient, deeply rooted soul that manifested in my body and mind, carving its path alongside me. I was not an empty child; I was programmed with this soul. At times, I can no longer bridge these two identities to simply be myself. I can be exceptionally dark at times, yet at others, I am just an innocent child trembling and weeping at the slightest cruelty. I may lash out at those who hurt me, making me entirely unpredictable and incomprehensible. You might be shocked by the emergence of traits within me that contradict any initial assessment of my character. In moments when I feel oppressed or harmed, that monster manifests alongside me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Yet ultimately, there is a spiritual programming embedded within me from realms preceding my own. I was never empty, nor was I ever truly alone. To this day, I am surrounded by a collective of spirits in every facet of my life. This collective has evolved intellectually and adopted various approaches to guide my growth in this lifetime. It has revealed itself with profound clarity. It no longer operates through an empty, unconscious, uncomprehending child; today, it acts through a human being anchored in superior intellect and consciousness\u2014someone not easily accessed or controlled. Those who harmed me, my mother, and my siblings were relatives, alongside many others who crossed my path. I navigated life alone, wandering without a real human guardian, reliant solely on this collective and the mentor\u2014the spirits. I endured severe trauma throughout my childhood and adult life at the hands of many people, but every experience served a purpose: shaping my character, influencing me, and redirecting my trajectory. In my early years, I lacked the awareness to save myself. I spent much of my life lost and confused, failing at every turn to do what was right. But now I have matured, and everything, of course, is different.<\/p>\n<div class=\"pvc_clear\"><\/div><p id=\"pvc_stats_1198\" class=\"pvc_stats total_only\" data-element-id=\"1198\" style=\"\"><i class=\"pvc-stats-icon medium\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" version=\"1.0\" viewbox=\"0 0 502 315\" preserveaspectratio=\"xMidYMid meet\"><g transform=\"translate(0,332) scale(0.1,-0.1)\" fill=\"\" stroke=\"none\"><path d=\"M2394 3279 l-29 -30 -3 -207 c-2 -182 0 -211 15 -242 39 -76 157 -76 196 0 15 31 17 60 15 243 l-3 209 -33 29 c-26 23 -41 29 -80 29 -41 0 -53 -5 -78 -31z\"\/><path d=\"M3085 3251 c-45 -19 -58 -50 -96 -229 -47 -217 -49 -260 -13 -295 52 -53 146 -42 177 20 16 31 87 366 87 410 0 70 -86 122 -155 94z\"\/><path d=\"M1751 3234 c-13 -9 -29 -31 -37 -50 -12 -29 -10 -49 21 -204 19 -94 39 -189 45 -210 14 -50 54 -80 110 -80 34 0 48 6 76 34 21 21 34 44 34 59 0 14 -18 113 -40 219 -37 178 -43 195 -70 221 -36 32 -101 37 -139 11z\"\/><path d=\"M1163 3073 c-36 -7 -73 -59 -73 -102 0 -56 133 -378 171 -413 34 -32 83 -37 129 -13 70 36 67 87 -16 290 -86 209 -89 214 -129 231 -35 14 -42 15 -82 7z\"\/><path d=\"M3689 3066 c-15 -9 -33 -30 -42 -48 -48 -103 -147 -355 -147 -375 0 -98 131 -148 192 -74 13 15 57 108 97 206 80 196 84 226 37 273 -30 30 -99 39 -137 18z\"\/><path d=\"M583 2784 c-38 -19 -67 -74 -58 -113 9 -42 211 -354 242 -373 16 -10 45 -18 66 -18 51 0 107 52 107 100 0 39 -1 41 -124 234 -80 126 -108 162 -133 173 -41 17 -61 16 -100 -3z\"\/><path d=\"M4250 2784 c-14 -9 -74 -91 -133 -183 -95 -150 -107 -173 -107 -213 0 -55 33 -94 87 -104 67 -13 90 8 211 198 130 202 137 225 78 284 -27 27 -42 34 -72 34 -22 0 -50 -8 -64 -16z\"\/><path d=\"M2275 2693 c-553 -48 -1095 -270 -1585 -649 -135 -104 -459 -423 -483 -476 -23 -49 -22 -139 2 -186 73 -142 361 -457 571 -626 285 -228 642 -407 990 -497 242 -63 336 -73 660 -74 310 0 370 5 595 52 535 111 1045 392 1455 803 122 121 250 273 275 326 19 41 19 137 0 174 -41 79 -309 363 -465 492 -447 370 -946 591 -1479 653 -113 14 -422 18 -536 8z m395 -428 c171 -34 330 -124 456 -258 112 -119 167 -219 211 -378 27 -96 24 -300 -5 -401 -72 -255 -236 -447 -474 -557 -132 -62 -201 -76 -368 -76 -167 0 -236 14 -368 76 -213 98 -373 271 -451 485 -162 444 86 934 547 1084 153 49 292 57 452 25z m909 -232 c222 -123 408 -262 593 -441 76 -74 138 -139 138 -144 0 -16 -233 -242 -330 -319 -155 -123 -309 -223 -461 -299 l-81 -41 32 46 c18 26 49 83 70 128 143 306 141 649 -6 957 -25 52 -61 116 -79 142 l-34 47 45 -20 c26 -10 76 -36 113 -56z m-2057 25 c-40 -58 -105 -190 -130 -263 -110 -324 -59 -707 132 -981 25 -35 42 -64 37 -64 -19 0 -241 119 -326 174 -188 122 -406 314 -532 468 l-58 71 108 103 c185 178 428 349 672 473 66 33 121 60 123 61 2 0 -10 -19 -26 -42z\"\/><path d=\"M2375 1950 c-198 -44 -350 -190 -395 -379 -18 -76 -8 -221 19 -290 114 -284 457 -406 731 -260 98 52 188 154 231 260 27 69 37 214 19 290 -38 163 -166 304 -326 360 -67 23 -215 33 -279 19z\"\/><\/g><\/svg><\/i> <img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"16\" height=\"16\" alt=\"Loading\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/dev95.site\/wp-content\/plugins\/page-views-count\/ajax-loader-2x.gif?resize=16%2C16&#038;ssl=1\" border=\"0\" \/><\/p><div class=\"pvc_clear\"><\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>By the Author \/ Source: abuaram.site For many years during my early childhood and adolescence, I suffered from intense remorse and obsessive, compulsive thoughts of guilt. I felt a duty to avenge&#8230;<\/p>\n<div class=\"pvc_clear\"><\/div>\n<p id=\"pvc_stats_1198\" class=\"pvc_stats total_only\" data-element-id=\"1198\" style=\"\"><i class=\"pvc-stats-icon medium\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" version=\"1.0\" viewbox=\"0 0 502 315\" preserveaspectratio=\"xMidYMid meet\"><g transform=\"translate(0,332) scale(0.1,-0.1)\" fill=\"\" stroke=\"none\"><path d=\"M2394 3279 l-29 -30 -3 -207 c-2 -182 0 -211 15 -242 39 -76 157 -76 196 0 15 31 17 60 15 243 l-3 209 -33 29 c-26 23 -41 29 -80 29 -41 0 -53 -5 -78 -31z\"\/><path d=\"M3085 3251 c-45 -19 -58 -50 -96 -229 -47 -217 -49 -260 -13 -295 52 -53 146 -42 177 20 16 31 87 366 87 410 0 70 -86 122 -155 94z\"\/><path d=\"M1751 3234 c-13 -9 -29 -31 -37 -50 -12 -29 -10 -49 21 -204 19 -94 39 -189 45 -210 14 -50 54 -80 110 -80 34 0 48 6 76 34 21 21 34 44 34 59 0 14 -18 113 -40 219 -37 178 -43 195 -70 221 -36 32 -101 37 -139 11z\"\/><path d=\"M1163 3073 c-36 -7 -73 -59 -73 -102 0 -56 133 -378 171 -413 34 -32 83 -37 129 -13 70 36 67 87 -16 290 -86 209 -89 214 -129 231 -35 14 -42 15 -82 7z\"\/><path d=\"M3689 3066 c-15 -9 -33 -30 -42 -48 -48 -103 -147 -355 -147 -375 0 -98 131 -148 192 -74 13 15 57 108 97 206 80 196 84 226 37 273 -30 30 -99 39 -137 18z\"\/><path d=\"M583 2784 c-38 -19 -67 -74 -58 -113 9 -42 211 -354 242 -373 16 -10 45 -18 66 -18 51 0 107 52 107 100 0 39 -1 41 -124 234 -80 126 -108 162 -133 173 -41 17 -61 16 -100 -3z\"\/><path d=\"M4250 2784 c-14 -9 -74 -91 -133 -183 -95 -150 -107 -173 -107 -213 0 -55 33 -94 87 -104 67 -13 90 8 211 198 130 202 137 225 78 284 -27 27 -42 34 -72 34 -22 0 -50 -8 -64 -16z\"\/><path d=\"M2275 2693 c-553 -48 -1095 -270 -1585 -649 -135 -104 -459 -423 -483 -476 -23 -49 -22 -139 2 -186 73 -142 361 -457 571 -626 285 -228 642 -407 990 -497 242 -63 336 -73 660 -74 310 0 370 5 595 52 535 111 1045 392 1455 803 122 121 250 273 275 326 19 41 19 137 0 174 -41 79 -309 363 -465 492 -447 370 -946 591 -1479 653 -113 14 -422 18 -536 8z m395 -428 c171 -34 330 -124 456 -258 112 -119 167 -219 211 -378 27 -96 24 -300 -5 -401 -72 -255 -236 -447 -474 -557 -132 -62 -201 -76 -368 -76 -167 0 -236 14 -368 76 -213 98 -373 271 -451 485 -162 444 86 934 547 1084 153 49 292 57 452 25z m909 -232 c222 -123 408 -262 593 -441 76 -74 138 -139 138 -144 0 -16 -233 -242 -330 -319 -155 -123 -309 -223 -461 -299 l-81 -41 32 46 c18 26 49 83 70 128 143 306 141 649 -6 957 -25 52 -61 116 -79 142 l-34 47 45 -20 c26 -10 76 -36 113 -56z m-2057 25 c-40 -58 -105 -190 -130 -263 -110 -324 -59 -707 132 -981 25 -35 42 -64 37 -64 -19 0 -241 119 -326 174 -188 122 -406 314 -532 468 l-58 71 108 103 c185 178 428 349 672 473 66 33 121 60 123 61 2 0 -10 -19 -26 -42z\"\/><path d=\"M2375 1950 c-198 -44 -350 -190 -395 -379 -18 -76 -8 -221 19 -290 114 -284 457 -406 731 -260 98 52 188 154 231 260 27 69 37 214 19 290 -38 163 -166 304 -326 360 -67 23 -215 33 -279 19z\"\/><\/g><\/svg><\/i> <img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"16\" height=\"16\" alt=\"Loading\" src=\"https:\/\/dev95.site\/wp-content\/plugins\/page-views-count\/ajax-loader-2x.gif\" border=\"0\" \/><\/p>\n<div class=\"pvc_clear\"><\/div>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"fp_fajr_begins":"","fp_fajr_iqamah":"","fp_dhuhr_begins":"","fp_dhuhr_iqamah":"","fp_asr_begins":"","fp_asr_iqamah":"","fp_maghrib_begins":"","fp_maghrib_iqamah":"","fp_isha_begins":"","fp_isha_iqamah":"","fp_midnight":"","fp_midnight_name":"","fp_sunrise":"","fp_single_prayer_begins_title":"","fp_single_prayer_iqamah_title":"","fp_prayer_times_for_today":"","fp_hijra_date":"","fp_fajr_name":"","fp_dhuhr_name":"","fp_asr_name":"","fp_maghrib_name":"","fp_isha_name":"","fp_sunrise_name":"","fp_currentDate":"","fp_current_time":"","fp_current_title":"","fp_current_location":"","fp_masjid_name":"","fp_prayer_title":"","fp_next_prayer_iqamah_time":"","fp_next_prayer_iqamah_title":"","fp_next_prayer_begins_time":"","fp_next_prayer_begins_title":"","fp_next_prayer_title":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[37],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1198","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-posts"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":0,"today_views":0},"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v28.5 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>In the Shadow of the Knife: Years of Guilt and Compulsive Obsession with Revenge \u2014 A Demonic Monster and an Innocent - Dev95<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"For many years during my early childhood and adolescence, I suffered from intense remorse and obsessive, compulsive thoughts of guilt. I felt a duty to avenge my mother, who was stabbed before my eyes with a large knife when I was only eight years old. I couldn&#039;t protect her; instead, I wept helplessly, paralyzed with fear for her life. Nor could I protect myself and my siblings from the many terrible things that kept happening. I lived largely in a state of revenge-driven dissociation and obsessive preparation, plagued by guilt. Driven by fear and suspicion, I began carrying bladed weapons whenever I left the house. One day, the Israeli Defense Forces stopped the public vehicle I was in alongside other passengers, and the knife slipped from my hand onto the floor. Suspicious, they interrogated everyone for a long time to determine who was carrying it. I denied it was mine, and eventually, after a lengthy investigation, they allowed me to return home, assuming there had been a security incident on site.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/dev95.site\/ar\/in-the-shadow-of-the-knife-years-of-guilt-and-compulsive-obsession-with-revenge-a-demonic-monster-and-an-innocent\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"ar_AR\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"In the Shadow of the Knife: Years of Guilt and Compulsive Obsession with Revenge \u2014 A Demonic Monster and an Innocent - Dev95\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"For many years during my early childhood and adolescence, I suffered from intense remorse and obsessive, compulsive thoughts of guilt. I felt a duty to avenge my mother, who was stabbed before my eyes with a large knife when I was only eight years old. I couldn&#039;t protect her; instead, I wept helplessly, paralyzed with fear for her life. Nor could I protect myself and my siblings from the many terrible things that kept happening. I lived largely in a state of revenge-driven dissociation and obsessive preparation, plagued by guilt. Driven by fear and suspicion, I began carrying bladed weapons whenever I left the house. One day, the Israeli Defense Forces stopped the public vehicle I was in alongside other passengers, and the knife slipped from my hand onto the floor. Suspicious, they interrogated everyone for a long time to determine who was carrying it. I denied it was mine, and eventually, after a lengthy investigation, they allowed me to return home, assuming there had been a security incident on site.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/dev95.site\/ar\/in-the-shadow-of-the-knife-years-of-guilt-and-compulsive-obsession-with-revenge-a-demonic-monster-and-an-innocent\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Dev95\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2026-09-16T12:35:25+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2026-09-16T12:35:37+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"MOHAMMAD\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"\u0643\u064f\u062a\u0628 \u0628\u0648\u0627\u0633\u0637\u0629\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"MOHAMMAD\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"\u0648\u0642\u062a \u0627\u0644\u0642\u0631\u0627\u0621\u0629 \u0627\u0644\u0645\u064f\u0642\u062f\u0651\u0631\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 \u062f\u0642\u0627\u0626\u0642\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/dev95.site\\\/in-the-shadow-of-the-knife-years-of-guilt-and-compulsive-obsession-with-revenge-a-demonic-monster-and-an-innocent\\\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/dev95.site\\\/in-the-shadow-of-the-knife-years-of-guilt-and-compulsive-obsession-with-revenge-a-demonic-monster-and-an-innocent\\\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"MOHAMMAD\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/dev95.site\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/b807805ffe2916206b04d0938bce0298\"},\"headline\":\"In the Shadow of the Knife: Years of Guilt and Compulsive Obsession with Revenge \u2014 A Demonic Monster and an Innocent\",\"datePublished\":\"2026-09-16T12:35:25+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2026-09-16T12:35:37+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/dev95.site\\\/in-the-shadow-of-the-knife-years-of-guilt-and-compulsive-obsession-with-revenge-a-demonic-monster-and-an-innocent\\\/\"},\"wordCount\":864,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/dev95.site\\\/#organization\"},\"articleSection\":[\"Posts\"],\"inLanguage\":\"ar\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/dev95.site\\\/in-the-shadow-of-the-knife-years-of-guilt-and-compulsive-obsession-with-revenge-a-demonic-monster-and-an-innocent\\\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/dev95.site\\\/in-the-shadow-of-the-knife-years-of-guilt-and-compulsive-obsession-with-revenge-a-demonic-monster-and-an-innocent\\\/\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/dev95.site\\\/in-the-shadow-of-the-knife-years-of-guilt-and-compulsive-obsession-with-revenge-a-demonic-monster-and-an-innocent\\\/\",\"name\":\"In the Shadow of the Knife: Years of Guilt and Compulsive Obsession with Revenge \u2014 A Demonic Monster and an Innocent - Dev95\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/dev95.site\\\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2026-09-16T12:35:25+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2026-09-16T12:35:37+00:00\",\"description\":\"For many years during my early childhood and adolescence, I suffered from intense remorse and obsessive, compulsive thoughts of guilt. 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