By the Author / Source: abuaram.site
All my life, existence has been unduly harsh and unsparing toward me. I was not merely someone struggling in quiet adversity; rather, the world confronted me with unrelenting cruelty from every angle. My life was complex, laden with challenges and agonizing circumstances that deeply exhausted my mind and soul.
I am not even certain whether I was ill to begin with, or if the ruthless nature of this world from my very beginnings primed me to be consumed by affliction. Looking at my mind today, I doubt I was born sick. The illness remains distinct from who I am—on one hand, I am afflicted, but on the other, my mind remains conscious and sound.
I am not entirely ill; rather, a separate, afflicted part of me is in constant conflict with my true self. This internal struggle often leaves me disoriented and lost, and it may lead others to perceive me as truly sick. At my core, I possess all the qualities of a psychologically and mentally sound individual, yet a secondary affliction continuously assaults me.
In its nature, my mind and psyche endure a pathological state, facing severe challenges and acute symptoms. Nevertheless, the conscious, sound part of me retains control, fully aware that its mind and psyche are undergoing a period of illness at that very moment.
At times, I am profoundly affected and shaken by the intensity of this affliction, to the point where it manifests in pathological behavior that overshadows my natural psychological and mental state. In certain moments, I grow exhausted and act according to the illness, as it heavily weighs upon my soul and mind, making it nearly impossible to remain steadfast, endure, or appear whole.
It may well be that this world, or the sum of my life, is the very cause and catalyst of this affliction. A human being is a sensitive, emotional creature by nature, not a machine. Therefore, one requires specific, healthy conditions while growing up to avoid falling ill. Under the weight and accumulation of life’s crushing burdens during formative years, one can easily succumb to psychological and mental distress, spiraling into the depths of their own soul.
Grounded in my psychological soundness, mental capabilities, and inner balance, I believe I was not born ill by nature or genetic predisposition. Rather, I see that the world I experienced pushed me to drown deeply in affliction, allowing it to take hold of me and become embedded in my existence, mind, and personality. I am not the world’s illness; I am ill because of this world.
The state of my brain chemistry is severely compromised, having deteriorated noticeably after I began taking psychiatric medications—it was never this bad prior to them. Whenever I attempt to stop these medications, my brain chemistry falls into severe turmoil, giving rise to chronic mental states and symptoms that suggest my mind is inherently disordered and sick.
In reality, my brain chemistry was fine throughout my life; it was acceptable, capable of survival, adaptation, and finding the right conditions for a normal life, provided there was proper guidance and awareness. Even though I endured illness, severe trauma, and grueling circumstances, my mind was fully capable of preserving its own sanity, for it is naturally sound by design.
I cannot simply stop my psychiatric medications now to judge my true mental state, as withdrawal would undoubtedly trigger severe mental turmoil. This disturbance would not stem from my original condition, but rather from the contamination, dependence, and withdrawal associated with these drugs. Having used them for so many years, reclaiming my original, natural mental state has become an intricate and daunting task.
It would be a profound relief, in my current state of awareness, to completely and safely detoxify from these medications and rely solely on my own mind. It would be a wonderful experience, yet it has become virtually impossible. There is no easy way out of this vortex once entered; I cannot even embark on the path of tapering off, as the matter is deeply complex and perhaps impossible from the start.
None of it matters anymore. I no longer wish to prove anything to myself, nor do I need further suffering; none of this holds inherent value anyway. It is a miserable life, and even if I must continue it with these psychiatric medications, what truly matters now is attaining peace and finding happiness and pleasure in this damned existence. These are all inevitable fates.
Yet, the silver lining is that I am fully aware of my own worth and the value of my mind despite it all. I know I deserve complete self-appreciation and respect, unclouded by feelings of flaw or impurity. It is a blessing to understand the truth of who we are, to recognize the reality of our minds, and to claim our true place in life, so we never remain lost in a space where we cannot define ourselves.
