By the Author / Source: abuaram.site
I feel an overwhelming urge to distance myself from the places I usually frequent. I want to venture out into the abandoned and dangerous areas beyond the city, far from people and all signs of life. A powerful impulse pulls me toward those places; I try to resist it, but sometimes I lose my composure and just leave.
I live here in the Palestinian territories of the West Bank, amidst fragmented and partitioned areas. There are numerous shared roads and thoroughfares frequented by Jewish settlers. I feel a desire to stay near them, to drink with them, even though I know this can be dangerous. Every now and then, you hear of a young man losing his life in those places, without ever knowing the exact reason why.
Those extremist Jews appear deeply repulsive and malicious, as if they crave harming anything Palestinian or Arab. They are consumed by extremism, racism, and intense hatred. They ought to be disgusted by their own malice; their ideology and blind hatred carry a foul stench. Yet, they have exerted a strong hold over me, and they have never harmed me—almost as if they know me. In my entire life, amidst the noise and expectations of everyday living, throughout my encounters with many of them and my visits to their places, not one of them has ever treated me unjustly.
That is only one side of it. I want to get away from Palestinian areas as well. I too feel a strong aversion toward Palestinians, even if I describe to you the reality of their situation on the other side of the conflict. It does not mean I agree with them; I do not feel drawn to them or their environment. I have been banned from entering Israeli territory for two years now, despite having grown up accustomed to traveling there freely whenever I wished—a way of life I had been habituated to since childhood.
Right now, I long to go to those places. There are many open, empty spaces designated for Palestinians far from these Jewish areas—wildernesses and mountains that could shield me—yet deep within my heart and soul, I feel an urge to keep drawing closer to where the Jewish presence is. I want to get drunk near them. I feel a remarkable atmosphere there, as though a spirit has taken hold of me in these lands tied so closely to them, even if they were to harm me. I do not know if I am safe, of course, but amid these days of war, I feel a profound desire to be in those places, finding no joy in wandering through Palestinian areas.
If I were permitted to enter Israeli territory these days, it would spare me from even considering going to these places.
I cannot pinpoint my emotions exactly; they feel cryptic. I love open spaces, especially the open spaces within Jewish neighborhoods, just as I enjoy going out into bustling Jewish quarters. I dislike staying in Palestinian neighborhoods. I love many things, but the single common thread connecting them all is the Jewish presence.
Why should I care for Palestinian places? They do not reflect who I am at all. The character of their environment resembles them, not me. The Jewish presence resonates with me. Though some might not fit me in certain places, I love the essence of their presence everywhere. To me, the Palestinians appear bleak and unpleasant; they have made their surroundings even worse than themselves and have hurt me in various ways. They seem deeply backward, and their habits and customs feel utterly repulsive to me.
There, in Israeli territory, I find something of the spirit of life and freedom—something that has resonated with my identity since childhood.
To be entirely honest, there is a bond of affection between me and the Jewish spirit in my land—one I have felt since I first opened my eyes to life. I believe there are many good Jewish people, despite the abundance of bad ones, and despite everything terrible, I still believe that the Jewish spirit carries immense love and peace. So do not judge millions of Jews as evil simply because the bad ones are so active in the country!
Winter has arrived, and I want to reclaim my freedom. I want to wander through streets and alleyways under the rain, wind, and storms, carrying my bottle of wine, strolling and soaking in the atmosphere in my own way. I also adore the seashore in winter, where I love to get drunk, reflect, and gaze out into the expanse.
