By the Author / Source: abuaram.site
In my life, most of my problems were purely personal. During my adolescence and young, unmarried years, I had no family obligations—no wife or children. I lived through a long phase marked by turmoil and a lack of the awareness necessary to safeguard my psychological and emotional well-being. In moments of low awareness, I committed actions that made me feel terrible about myself.
After marriage, everything changed. I have been married for about ten years now and have three children—a major added responsibility in my life. My marital life has been full of ups and downs, filled with instability; frequent hesitation followed by repeated reconciliations. Until recently, some of these problems faded, though my wife and I were never fully compatible, and we faced numerous challenges. Even so, friction still surfaces between us; it seems inevitable that we clash from time to time.
When my children were young, taking care of them was not a heavy burden; they were simply innocent, obedient kids. But now that they have grown older and developed distinct personalities, I feel the weight of fatherhood much more acutely. Raising and guiding them now requires double the effort. At times, they provoke my anger and frustration by refusing to obey me, yet paternal feelings, love, and affection always prevail, helping me manage the situation.
Because of their presence, I no longer enjoy an intimate life with my wife comfortably or whenever I desire, and I am forced to filter my words and conversation in front of them. Waiting for intimacy has become tied to them falling asleep, going out to play, or us slipping away into the bathroom. Ten years into my marriage, my sexual desire has diminished under these circumstances. I do not suffer from any sexual dysfunction at all, but the drive is simply not as strong as it used to be. In contrast, I used to have an intense, insatiable libido, and we were very active in the early years of our marriage.
I was unable to make fundamental changes within myself despite the major developments in my life after marriage and starting a family. My life shifted slightly, but fundamentally, I remained the same. I couldn’t break my addiction to alcohol; in fact, my reliance on it grew as a coping mechanism against stress and a way to find solace. My psychological struggles also persisted. I faced many setbacks during my marriage, frequently stopping my prescribed medications.
The silver lining is that I have become far more conscious and mature than I was in my early youth and teenage years. I now feel a very high level of awareness, alongside a deep expertise in dealing with, understanding, and experiencing life. It feels like a gradual awakening from the effects of a long-term anesthesia as I age—or perhaps this is the true essence of living, both in mind and emotion.
My marriage was traditional; I didn’t meet my wife until the beginning of our engagement, which lasted a full year. Initially, our relationship was clouded by complexity, but as our compatibility evolved, the issues we face today have become less severe compared to those early years. Nevertheless, we still inevitably get into arguments from time to time, but we always return to each other—we simply cannot part.
Amid the relentless, compounding pressures of life, drinking alcohol feels like the greatest blessing I have, and I cannot stop it. I wonder what this life would look like without it; it would be utterly dull, and its daily routine without the pleasure of intoxication would be unbearable. It grants me happiness and enjoyment, keeps boredom at bay, and makes me feel as though I’ve given my soul and mind their rightful weekly dose of pleasure—they truly deserve it.
The only downside to consuming alcohol is its tendency to push me toward behaving inappropriately, acting in ways that are harmful to myself and others. For this reason, I constantly try to direct and discipline my mind to stay mindful of any wrong behavior while overindulging. As long as I enjoy drinking while staying safe and avoiding bad behavior, everything remains good and wonderful.
I cannot imagine my life without alcohol; without it, I couldn’t achieve lasting psychological and emotional stability. I would surely collapse and implode. I want a comfortable life; I crave pleasure, delirium, numbness, relaxation, and a bit of madness. How else could this life be lived without it? To me, it is better than psychiatric medications.
Though I view it as better than psychiatric drugs, it is not a complete replacement for them, and I cannot dispense with my medication entirely. Medications certainly play a positive role in my psychological and mental stability, granting me calmness and clarity of thought while masking many symptoms of my illness. In fact, psychiatric meds even make alcohol consumption safer; my state of mind while under the influence of alcohol is far better when I am taking my medication than when I consume it without it.
Ultimately, life is defined by challenges, pressures, responsibilities, and the boredom of routine, alongside the complexities of uncertain and incompatible matters. There is no such thing as an entirely easy life or absolute happiness. These challenges include navigating marital and family issues, raising children, and coping with feelings of anger, resentment, loneliness, and detachment—which can drive some to seek an outlet through going out and drinking alcohol.
We ought to simplify matters rather than overcomplicate them. Let us be strong, for life can be harsh at times. Do not despair; life also offers goodness, and pain and hardship never last—just as comfort and happiness are not eternal. Such is the nature of life, so let us strive to enjoy it.
