By the Author / Source: abuaram.site
So many things terrify me—the fear of illness, the unknown future, the agonizing thought that my illness might burden those I love, the dread of being harmed, and the paralyzing worry of losing my mind and acting irrationally, alongside countless other fears.
As these fears mounted, I realized the vital importance of detaching from them and anchoring myself solely in the present. I will no longer torment myself with uncertainties, nor will I ever allow fear to dictate my life. I continuously remind my mind to embrace courage and indifference toward those phantoms that disrupt my present peace.
Allowing fear to weave itself into my thoughts is destructive; it threatens to unravel me long before the feared outcome even occurs—if it ever occurs at all. I end up destroying my own mental well-being over horrors that are purely hypothetical. I risk breaking down, losing my footing in the present, and letting a mere shadow of an uncertain future harm me without ever materializing.
What I experience is far beyond the fleeting, ordinary fears that others encounter; I struggle with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) intertwined with deep-seated fear. It is a profound, visceral dread—an involuntary force manifesting through compulsive emotions. This fear shifts between obsessive-compulsive fixations and specific phobias, sometimes even toward people, slipping entirely beyond my control as it grips a part of my subconscious mind.
I suffer from obsessive fears regarding dangers and threats, alongside severe social anxiety that has deeply shaped my personality and the nature of my life. I was raised in fear—so much so that I became consumed by fear of spirits themselves. When I first encountered these intrusive, foreign spirits that entered my life, I was terrified of them. Yet today, I no longer fear them at all.
There is a hidden reason, perhaps, why such a colossal amount of fear dwells within my soul. Even the spirits inside me occasionally assume a protective, cautionary stance, while the stars seem to react to my fear, signaling danger. Something is attempting to convey a message through this terror—perhaps something intent on consuming me until my final breath. Yet, there are spirits seeking to protect me, and fear itself whispers the necessity of remaining safe and far from harm.
This fear even manifests physically within my body; I tremble and shake like a frightened cat. I feel its grip even as I walk among crowds, deep down in my bones. I can barely organize my thoughts or speak under its weight. Even my facial features become involuntary; my lips quiver and dry up, compelling me to move them constantly. I might smile or laugh involuntarily, or fear might simply bare itself completely across my expression.
Yet, when I reach the depth of my brokenness or the peak of my disorientation, I shake off every ingrained fear that haunts me. I shift into a dangerous, indifferent persona—one that fear can no longer control. In those moments, I engage in reckless behaviors, finding a thrill in absolute victory over fear, in adventure, and in charging toward danger while defying all boundaries and rules. At that point, fear completely vanishes from my being during my moments of rebellion against a destiny bound by dread.
Ultimately, I have fiercely overcome fear in the present; it no longer holds the power over me that it once did, nor do I care about the uncertainties of the future. I simply no longer care. I understand that I must remain steadfastly courageous and never allow fear to steer the course of my life. Fear has no permission to harm my present, and I will not grant it that power. I confront fear through strategy: if a fear is justified, I plan around it to prevent it from consuming me or paralyzing my actions. I have trained myself simply to be brave.
