By the Author / Source: abuaram.site
It has been two days since I resumed taking my medication after a brutal ten-day interruption. During that period, my mental state deteriorated significantly, leaving me severely exhausted and drained. The distressing voices inside my head became constant, dominated by a single voice that repeated words relentlessly, shattering my ability to focus. My level of awareness declined, and I felt completely detached from reality. Whenever I went outside, I struggled to hear others or concentrate. My voice would escalate dramatically in volume without my realizing it, as if I were listening to deafening music through headphones.
I also endured strange emotional turmoil; severe depression and negative feelings overwhelmed me as my nerves frayed, plunging me into an agitated state. My mind began exhibiting uncanny abilities—I would hear voices in my head moments before they manifested in real life. I started experiencing sporadic prickling sensations—like brain zaps—and whenever I underwent a supernatural experience or thought about the distressing side effects I used to endure from the medication, these zaps returned. An overwhelming fear of death and tragic accidents took hold whenever I traveled in fast vehicles, where I could sense an impending crash and the spectre of death hovering nearby. Everything moved at a dizzying pace. I began hearing people beside me speak words that echoed my exact thoughts, followed by bouts of hallucinations that swung between hysterical laughter and weeping. It was an agonizing, harrowing ordeal.
I do not understand why these spirits become so agitated and upset when my mind reaches this state. I can still hear them, but now they sound as if they are beside me rather than within me—as though an evil spirit lies dormant in my mind, awakening only when I stop my medication. I hear them when I lay my head on the bed, accompanied by low-frequency sound waves resembling a faint hum. I feel them drawing near before they even speak, and with each approach, an interference in the sound waves creates that low humming tone. These spirits are localized and detectable; there must be instruments in the world capable of measuring their activity because of how they interfere with ambient waves.
There is another spirit that speaks to me from inside my laptop, often manifesting through music or the television. This spirit differs from the others around me; it also speaks from above, hovering over my head as I walk through the streets. It is a flying companion, neither grounded nor too high up in the sky. Its voice sounds human, and though I cannot visualize the physical form of most spirits around me, I perceive this one as a man. I have approximately five spirits in total; some disappear for long stretches, while others remain constantly present. During those ten days, however, a full mobilization occurred and they all returned. As for the flying spirit, I first encountered it about nine years ago—it is the newest addition. It is unique in its reasoning, nature, and capabilities. I believe it to be the result of sorcery, and I first heard its voice in the south. I hold a conviction that it is tied to a city I lived in years ago after leaving my birthplace—specifically the city of Dura, south of Hebron in the West Bank. My first interaction with its voice happened directly above a police station, and it has followed me ever since.
Regardless, I have regained my mental clarity over the past two days, and the disturbing, repetitive internal voices have ceased. I no longer dwell on the drug’s uncomfortable side effects; instead, I am focusing on the immense relief and mental clarity I feel, even as the deep depression lifts away. Looking back at how dire my state was compared to how I feel now, I realize I was suffering from a severe, chronic condition. It seems my fate with this chronic schizophrenic disorder is that I will never live a day without medication—a heavy truth to bear. Whatever the spiritual elements accompanying this illness may be, the medication vastly improves my cognitive state and enables me to handle interactions with these spirits calmly, free from agitation or anguish. This is my fate, and I must live with it; regrettably, I was unable to break free from the medication.
