By the Author / Source: abuaram.site
I feel that my mental disorder affects my surroundings and those around me. Sometimes, I feel as though the timeline of time continuously streams through my mind; as if there is a reader of time and the future within my head. Often, the events and places I find myself in—where my mental disorder takes place—lead to something bad happening later. Everywhere on this earth, in my homeland, I feel the sequence of events unfolding as if I am actively living them. If I lose my mind and step out into the street, I feel that the traffic—the vehicles and the people—is chaotic. I even begin to feel a persistent fear of accidents, death, and speeding cars. And every time, at the peak of my mind’s disorientation, I am caught off guard by a near-fatal accident.
Under normal circumstances, when I am in a stable state, I do not fear accidents or death; I do not even think about them. But when my mind wanders, an intense fear overwhelms me. I feel it in my chest and in my heartbeat, experiencing a deep psychological and mental state of terror. In fact, every time this happens, drivers begin to get confused and drive recklessly, and accidents almost occur, only to clear up in a matter of moments.
There are many other events and occurrences that I feel are connected to me in one way or another—connected to the spirits that inhabit me, connected to something resembling God’s power, something that makes me the center of some of these events and occurrences in my country and across the whole world, making the sequence of those things pass through my mind. It is as if something somewhat unknown connects my soul and my mental movement to related things happening in this world.
I might be the cause, or the driving force, in collaboration with higher powers, behind these events and occurrences in my surroundings and throughout the world. These powers—those spirits, those who did this—have shaped me for an unknown reason. Everything that happens in the world might be the result of a certain influence, or the influence of spirits as well. A single influence on the mind of a sick person, a criminal, or a terrorist might drive them to commit their crime immediately, without realizing they were being guided in the first place. That is to say, there is a specific influence on the minds of these people that leads them to commit their crimes at the exact same time it connects back to me and to the spirits.
These thoughts have long dominated my mind whenever it wanders. Ever since I was affected by schizophrenia in my childhood and early youth, these thoughts have haunted me. During many periods of my life, I was a person with magical inclinations, dealing with schizophrenia centered on illogical, magical matters. I had a thought system built on illogical, magical beliefs. Magic, symbols, signs, supernatural perception, supernatural abilities, mysterious topics in the realm of the metaphysics, and irrational matters all formed a part of my mind and captivated it.
Something like this was planted within me since birth, and as I walked through life, it imposed itself on my mind and thoughts. That is why, to this very day, I have begun to connect events in my surroundings to the entire world. I still feel it and find a certain interconnectedness. This was born with me from another world; I was fated to carry its weight on my shoulders when I entered this world. It was not mere coincidence; it was destined—something written for me even before my birth, for this thought and feeling to be part of me. Since my birth in June 1993, since that year, my mission, and the mission of other spirits, was to change this world and influence events and occurrences. Something came into the world that is me, and it has been a reason for the world’s course from that time until this day.
It is incredible, isn’t it?! You ask yourself: Who am I for this to be true? As if I am something sacred, something of paramount importance to higher spirits, chosen for a great purpose. I am not just an ordinary human being, but this is what I feel to this day; it feels so real to me!
