By the Author / Source: abuaram.site
I fear losing the comfortable and good things in my life. I truly value this current phase and feel that I am receiving solid treatment—one I must strictly maintain. I have made many mistakes in my past, which is why I decided to retreat from the toxic, ill, and dark world of my life, staying dedicated to this proper treatment for years to come.
I am 32 years old now, with eight years left until I turn forty. By then, my three children will no longer be little kids; they will be relatively grown. My eldest daughter, Engy, is ten now, and by the start of that new milestone, she will be eighteen. My middle son, Aram, will be around thirteen, while my youngest, Adam, will turn ten.
I have lived with them in peace, safety, and happiness throughout this time, striving to offer them the absolute best parental care possible. Although I endured severe moments of turmoil while they were growing up, they were still too young to realize the changing nature of my psychological and mental state. I was forced into a psychiatric facility more than three times due to overwhelming manic episodes while living with them. Every single time I was hospitalized, I carried them with me in my thoughts—thinking of them every hour of every day away from home, longing to return to them as fast as I could. When I returned home, they only knew I had been traveling; they had no idea about that terrifying facility I was actually in.
Things might differ with them once I reach forty, but it certainly won’t be as complex. They are my beloved children, and I will always strive to make their lives better alongside me as they grow.
Yet, I don’t believe or feel that I will lose my vitality over time; my spirit will remain deeply rooted and steady. I don’t expect to become an old man even in my fifties or sixties, and I won’t give up drinking alcohol even on my deathbed. I will remain young, and I don’t see my intellectual awareness or mental growth going beyond where it stands at this stage.
I am a person living with schizophrenia, enduring mental and psychological disorders, and I am not like an ordinary person who simply ages. I believe I possess spiritual, mental, and physical capacities that differ from those of regular people. I hope I never suffer a physical illness in my life, and I aspire to die strong—in fact, I feel I will die strong and in youthful health.
Unless I die tomorrow or the day after in an accident or under any other circumstance, this is my vision for an extended life before old age sets in. However, this life is highly dangerous and unpredictable, and the human spirit can vanish in a fraction of a second without anyone knowing. What awaits me in the near future of this life remains unknown.
It would be wonderful to live until my seventies or eighties, see my grandchildren, and witness the evolution of life for the next fifty years. I am still young and eager to enjoy my life more. I want to continue receiving the best possible treatment to heal both my body and mind, adapting to it in a deeply beneficial way. I also hope to maintain full physical health and fitness, adhering to a healthy diet and regular exercise while keeping a steady weight.
The biggest issue, however, is money; I don’t know where it will come from. I might lose my current sources of income and need to find new ones. I have grown weary of relentless, consecutive failures, yet I keep working every day, even if out of an unconscious drive. I work, but all my attempts fail. Nevertheless, perhaps a new source of income will open up for me one way or another. Working in the 21st century as someone who finds social adaptation difficult in team environments, I was built for the era of technology, screens, and working from home—something I have leveraged well throughout my life. Therefore, the only work I truly excel at is solo work over the internet.
Hope remains alive for a better future, a longer and happier life, and fruitful, good days. I hope my spirit retains its youth and beauty until the very last moment of my life, that the dark days fade away, and that abundant good fortune accompanies me and my loved ones until the end. What matters most is staying committed to an effective, beneficial treatment that keeps me and my mind in a good state for a long time. I have had more than enough of bad experiences.
