By the Author / Source: abuaram.site
At many stages of my life, I was consumed by a strong desire to stop taking my psychiatric medications. Yet, every single time I tried, I would ultimately break down, unable to endure the aftermath.
Most recently, I stopped taking them a month and a half ago. But I barely lasted two weeks before collapsing and having to turn back to them.
In previous attempts, I possessed a great deal of resilience and determination to break free from them. However, I would soon find myself at the peak of turmoil, accompanied by severe insomnia and a total inability to remain grounded.
I used to push through and endure until circumstances inevitably forced me into compulsory admission to a psychiatric facility to receive the necessary help.
Now, after this latest attempt, I can no longer bear fighting this battle without them. With each accumulated try, my resistance to quitting has grown weaker—a stark contrast to the past, when I was remarkably strong, patient, and resolute in my determination to leave them behind.
Perhaps it is a delusion to think I would be fine without them. While I might be okay in many aspects, the dark side of that reality would be far too severe. I simply wouldn’t be able to adapt or overcome my condition without them.
I must admit, I was never sick to this degree before. During my adolescence, I suffered to an extent, but I possessed greater strength to live without them—they were not a requirement for me to function.
I was indeed very ill as a teenager before starting these psychiatric drugs, but it had not reached the point of complete dominance—a state where I am now rendered powerless to leave them or survive without them after becoming dependent.
Back then, I could overcome my illness somehow. I merely needed proper guidance and greater awareness to navigate what I was experiencing before embarking on medication—specifically when I was a teenager under the age of fifteen.
Had I received sound guidance and a better understanding of my struggle back then, without the initial prescription asserting that I needed these drugs, my life today would be vastly different after all these long years of taking these cursed medications.
Therefore, to anyone enduring psychological distress at an early age, I say: do not turn to these medications as a first resort. In the future, you will find yourself battling a brand-new illness that you acquired along the way, and you will desperately crave freedom from these drugs due to the unnatural complications they create.
Regrettably, I do not believe anyone who falls into the trap of these medications can ever truly break free. I do not know a single patient who started them and managed to go on with their life without them.
I believe that anyone who truly needs them will never be able to abandon them. To put it plainly, I believe every psychologically or mentally ill individual in this world who has fallen into this trap will not survive a single day without them.
In any case, these days—following my latest attempt to quit these wretched medications and my subsequent breakdown—exhausted and drained by the toll of losing my mind and my sense of self in a world that carries inherent evil without them, and burdened by the crushing weight of their absence—I no longer wish to stop.
Truth be told, I am tired. I am no longer that energetic, driven young man I once was, ready to plunge into such a grueling experience.
Moreover, I have numerous responsibilities now. I cannot afford to take such a risky gamble with a family depending on me. Besides, who can guarantee success anyway? All my attempts to quit have ended in failure.
In the end, I always wind up in a miserable asylum, forced onto new medications at excessive doses, suffering in grim, filthy isolation, light-years away from my world and my life.
Right now, all I need is to feel their benefits. I need to focus on managing my life under their influence, along with a few bottles of wine each week to get by. At this point, I simply cannot bring myself to consider taking a single step away from them.
